Can Strengths Make You A Better Parent/Partner: with Dr. Kelly Dries
Bill Dippel (00:02.195)
And our arsonists and Sarah Collins all back with us. I am. I am. am. am absolutely great. It's been a beautiful morning. It's a great day. My golf game super tight right now. Playing well, right?
Sarah Collins (00:07.703)
Hello, Mr. Bill Dippo, how you doing this morning?
Sarah Collins (00:19.373)
Wow, wow, I've been watching the show Stick on Apple TV, so I feel like I know a little bit about golf right now. More than normal, I care. More than normal. I'm not finished yet, so no spoilers.
Bill Dippel (00:22.547)
I watched it too!
I watched it too. My game is nowhere near. Nope, nothing, but my game is nowhere near the kids. I mean, that game's pretty impressive. yeah. I mean, and it's a good show. I like him. I like Owen. I like the stars. I like the people. So I'm proud of you for kind of stepping in out of your box a little bit.
Sarah Collins (00:33.731)
Of course not. He's a prodigy, okay? Yeah. It's a great show. Yeah.
Sarah Collins (00:47.005)
honey, it's a show with a story. You give me a story, a parent, some children succeeding in the world. Like there's nothing more I want. And Apple TV does a great job with their shows. You know, they are actually the only streamer service that is quality over quantity. And hallelujah, bless the Lord. Thank Jesus for them. Because Netflix is just giving us crapola, crapola, crapola. Would you like some more crapola? We've got seventy five thousand crapolas. And it's like, geez.
Bill Dippel (00:59.378)
I do.
Bill Dippel (01:06.641)
Yeah, well.
Bill Dippel (01:16.189)
Would you like another love island, please? On Netflix, right? You're like, I don't either. Yeah, I think. Yeah. And then I see updates and social about it. Did you see what's in? I know I did not know. All right. Strange, weird one. Are you watching Murderbot on Apple TV? So. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Scar's a good. Yeah. Yeah. And by the way, it's a good comedy.
Sarah Collins (01:18.115)
I don't watch Love Island, like it comes out every day. What? No, I don't have time for that.
Kelly Dries (01:24.556)
You
Sarah Collins (01:28.128)
Yes!
No.
Sarah Collins (01:34.479)
No, but I did see it because it has that guy from True Blood and he is, you know, I'm into it. yes, yes, scars guard. So I might. Is it? No way. Okay.
Bill Dippel (01:44.837)
It's it's it's actually a comedy. So it really is. And it's a it's it's constantly poking at a lot of things that I think you would laugh at that you would. Yeah. Yeah. It's it's it's. Right. It's an under the radar comedy like you think Murderbot. There's no chance that scares that, you know, that scares me. But then you're in it you're like, they're really poking fun at some funny stuff here, including binging TV shows. So.
Sarah Collins (01:54.827)
I love it. I love laughing. Give it to me. Scar, Scarred, Apple TV, like we're in.
Mmm.
Sarah Collins (02:12.115)
well, love that for us.
Bill Dippel (02:14.407)
Just saying, Hey, I got a different question for you, right? Instead of Apple TV and how blessed we are to all have, you know, our TV, choices, that we get. I am curious. Can you give me what you think a blind spot leaders are overlooking in themselves or others right now?
Sarah Collins (02:17.197)
Hit me.
Sarah Collins (02:36.867)
Man, you always hit me with these deep ones. You need to prep me.
Bill Dippel (02:39.077)
Well, you know, because I know you're really good and I admire your coaching.
Sarah Collins (02:43.363)
Like a blind spot leader or a leader that has a blind spot?
Bill Dippel (02:47.923)
the blind spot that leaders are overlooking.
Sarah Collins (02:50.423)
the, okay, I thought you said the blind spot leaders. I was like, what the hell is a blind spot leader? No one is calling themselves that. I think that there is some blind spots around.
Bill Dippel (02:55.667)
Sure. Got it, yeah.
Kelly Dries (02:55.726)
Thank
Sarah Collins (03:09.315)
coaching and like leaders not leaning in to getting their people coaching. You know, and I think that they just think like, we can do the on the job training and we can have their managers work with them and then they should be fine and they should succeed. And if they don't then like that's their own fault. And I think that there are, there is opportunity when we have seen leaders bring in coaches like us or other coaches to work with their people.
Bill Dippel (03:15.293)
Mm-hmm.
Bill Dippel (03:29.885)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (03:39.211)
so much growth and development can happen. And I actually think it's a really low cost option because to get rid of someone who's not performing and then to post the job and look for a new candidate and hire a new candidate and onboard a new candidate is so expensive and time intensive. And if you would just spend a little bit of time and money, give that person an hour every couple of weeks to meet with their coach for that.
Bill Dippel (03:55.858)
now.
Sarah Collins (04:04.323)
personal and professional growth and development, especially of course, I'm biased towards strengths. I think there's so much to be done there. And I just think either leaders don't think it works. They don't care. They don't know about it. But there are some who just do not invest in their people in that way. And they're missing an opportunity and honestly wasting money and resources by then burning and churning new people into the team.
Bill Dippel (04:11.911)
Right.
Bill Dippel (04:27.783)
Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Well thought out. I like it.
Sarah Collins (04:32.886)
Thank you. It wasn't well thought out. You got me on the spot, but I'm glad it sounded well thought out. What about you? What would you say?
Bill Dippel (04:36.338)
Ha ha!
Kelly Dries (04:37.272)
Thank
Bill Dippel (04:38.995)
I don't know that's that's I would say this question came up for me because I'm I'm onboarding some people in groups and Navigating that delicacy around how who we involve how is it all upper management and then directors or do we? Do upper management directors and then roll it down to all the employees or do we include them all right out of the gate? You know, there's that ongoing how many do we involve right away?
Sarah Collins (05:04.045)
Mm-hmm.
Bill Dippel (05:07.045)
And I think the blind spot I'm kind of running into is the click ishness a bit of the C suite or upper management where, we expect this, but here's what you're going to do elsewhere. And here, this is going to have, we're willing to do this part for us, but we're not going to do anything over here. And then, you know, that I think as coaches, we all see that dichotomy sometimes. And there's a, there's a economic component.
Sarah Collins (05:16.451)
you
Sarah Collins (05:21.716)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (05:36.921)
that. You can't ignore that. Of course, what we do requires time and there's expense and money in doing that. So we obviously honor the ideas of we got to work around what your budget is. But the effectiveness of what we can do as coaches and how much we can get involved. I can get your directors to understand how to be coaches for their employees, but if they don't have a baseline of what to coach against, they can do some of it.
Sarah Collins (05:37.805)
course.
Bill Dippel (06:06.503)
But it becomes much much harder. Whereas if I can give you a playbook at least to understand the basics Then let's do that and maybe it's not every employee Let's just do it for some key employees, which by the way then turns into all the employees going Why do they get it and I don't so it ends up pushing I I know that but I think it's just that that blind spot is I We only need to fix this overall issue of coaching in this one little spot, right? I
Sarah Collins (06:15.992)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (06:21.889)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Collins (06:34.006)
Right.
Bill Dippel (06:35.453)
That's the way I feel about it.
Sarah Collins (06:36.907)
Yeah. And then what I find in those situations is as a coach, feel handicapped because when I'm coaching a select group of people at the company and they say, I've got this issue with this guy, but this guy hasn't done strengths. So now we have to like think about, because if he's done strengths, we can strategically look at his assessment, look at your assessment, have a dynamic conversation about the best way to approach them and what we've seen from them based on their strengths and how do we have that. And if we don't have that, then we're sort of just like guessing.
And so it feels like doing the work without the data component. And that's where I feel like I'm kind of leading the blind here because we just, we're just making assumptions, which honestly is like what a lot of people do anyways. But that's what the great thing about CliftonStrengths is, is I feel like it gives us data and a tool to be more strategic and thoughtful about how we approach people, how we get people to do the things we need them to do, how we have conversations with them. And so if not everyone has done it, then we end up with some blind spots.
Bill Dippel (07:36.559)
Yeah, and don't you love the argument? I mean, I've heard this one off and on Well that person's the problem And we don't want to invest in having them take it because we don't know Right. I get it both ways, which is either I would love to know Excess themes can we get them to do it and then let's start building that which is a great one to hear or we don't we don't even Such a problem. We don't want to invest in it right now or we may not
Sarah Collins (07:36.663)
themselves.
Sarah Collins (07:44.234)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (07:55.607)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Collins (08:04.651)
Yeah, I honestly have never heard that before, so shame on those people.
Bill Dippel (08:07.429)
yeah Right. Well, and I'm trying to maybe I'm dancing around it It might be we're not gonna invest in it because there's such a problem. They're not gonna be here that long So investing in the money isn't there and again if you're not trying to help right then cut bait now I if you're not investing to make the change, what are you doing? Right? Yeah, and then let's let's make that change or not. So yeah, so
Kelly Dries (08:10.67)
you
Sarah Collins (08:17.335)
Mmm.
Sarah Collins (08:24.077)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (08:30.381)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (08:34.273)
Yeah, really interesting. Well, today we have a super interesting topic. Our topic that we're talking about today is can your strengths make you a better parent and or partner? And we've got Dr. Kelly Dries with us today and she is going to help us explore this topic to figure out do these things really show up at home? And if they do, are they helping us or are they just making us big assholes? Kelly, come introduce yourself to the audience.
Bill Dippel (09:03.731)
Kelly can't be an asshole based on all this blue on all this blue. I, I, I love, I love Dr. Kelly right now or already just looking at this. So Dr. Kelly, welcome to the show.
Sarah Collins (09:06.741)
I know.
Kelly Dries (09:11.598)
you
Kelly Dries (09:15.858)
Awesome. Thank you both for having me. And it's exciting to be here and I will have to share something around. I could not join in the beginning of the conversation. like, TV? I haven't looked at TV outside of Disney Plus in years. Like, I don't know what any of these shows are. And I haven't opened Apple TV. And I'll get there. My Achiever and Learner, a little bit of a dumpster fire for me in my parenting.
Sarah Collins (09:33.187)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Dries (09:42.478)
I'm Dr. Kelly Dries, Leadership Coach, Gallup Certified Strengths Finder Facilitator and founder of Dries Coaching and Consulting, which I actually started as a side hustle almost, goodness, eight or nine years ago. And what caused me to lean into it full-time was actually becoming a parent and wanting greater flexibility for myself and wanting to be more present for my kids than I was.
Unfortunately, at least for the first year of my daughter's life, I didn't have that experience. And so I made some changes around doing what I do best so that I could show up better as a parent. But my background spans K-12, higher ed, executive coaching. The work I love most sits at the intersection of leadership and personal growth. And I'm really passionate about helping women leaders and working parents show up with confidence.
clarity, authenticity as a mom of two who are four and two years old. I have learned, know, good years are hard years, but I hear it just gets harder in the way.
Bill Dippel (10:45.436)
good years. Oof, oof.
Sarah Collins (10:50.431)
No. Spoken from someone who has not lived with a four and two year old.
Bill Dippel (10:57.64)
easy, easy. I have grandchildren that span from newborn to 20-so, right?
Sarah Collins (11:06.743)
And I love you for that, but you have not lived with them and that is a different experience. Okay.
Bill Dippel (11:12.074)
Partial lived, partial lived. So yes, so I agree. But yes, you're just jealous because I get to head the back, right? I know. I know.
Kelly Dries (11:14.67)
Yeah. Yeah.
Sarah Collins (11:16.205)
The mothers are laughing at you.
Yeah, exactly. That's why you can say, good years. No, she's in the trenches. She is being buried every day. Someone is, they're literally digging her grave today.
Kelly Dries (11:26.153)
No, it's hard.
Bill Dippel (11:27.143)
no, I said good years. Did you not hear the sarcasm? Two and four good years. man, that's tough. That is hard work. No, I agree with you on that way. it's okay. Just Sarah, keep your jealousy at bay. Keep your jealousy at bay. Dr. Dries, go on. I'm riveted. Keep going.
Kelly Dries (11:34.072)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (11:37.731)
HNNNN
Kelly Dries (11:39.222)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (11:41.677)
Sorry, Kelly, I totally interrupted you. I hijacked that. Sorry about that.
Kelly Dries (11:43.784)
No, my God, you're good. You're good. think.
Sarah Collins (11:47.459)
Hehehehehe
Kelly Dries (11:50.798)
Well, I think the real test of leadership is like, what do you do? And this was this week, I feel like this happens every week. Like one of the toddlers is melting down. Dinner is burning. And I have like a Zoom meeting in five minutes. And I'm like, OK, what do need to do? How do I make this work? So I think I bring my strengths to those moments very intentionally. Now, I think I was very reactive with my strengths when I first became a parent until I learned that like
Sarah Collins (12:05.901)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Dries (12:19.308)
hey, this actually makes me a better parent when I can apply them. Right? And so I think I always recognize that my strengths made me really good at my job, at the work that I do. But I've come to see they also are what make me the kind of mom and partner I want to be. Not perfect by any means, but present and always growing, always learning. So I like to think parenting has been kind of like a mirror and a master class.
Sarah Collins (12:38.541)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (12:49.326)
Right, it's taught me to slow down, to check myself, reflect, to be present, keep growing. And my strengths have helped me do that in ways that I don't think I could have imagined when I first took StrengthsFinder or when I first became a mom. And I'm kind of late to the mom game. Like my sister is two years older than me and has a kid going off to college while I've got a child in diapers still.
So I waited to become a parent. I don't think I always wanted to become a parent. I didn't see myself as one. So then to become one as an older adult, I mean, it's beautiful, but it's messy. And I don't think I was quite prepared for the messiness, but my strengths helped me for sure.
Sarah Collins (13:17.773)
Right.
Bill Dippel (13:36.135)
Yeah, well, go ahead, go ahead, sir.
Sarah Collins (13:36.323)
Can you tell the audience what your top 10 strengths are so they know?
Kelly Dries (13:41.758)
Ooh, yeah, yeah, So Achiever is number one. And that is like, feel like if I could look at the like, the coding that is gotta be higher, it comes out. I struggle with that Achiever. So Achiever, Empathy, Positivity, Developer, Learner, Belief, Individualization. My eight, nine and 10 are, I don't know the order as well.
Sarah Collins (14:11.075)
Okay.
Kelly Dries (14:11.31)
But Relator is in there, Competition is in there, and...
Sarah Collins (14:18.381)
We've got arranger and input. Mm hmm. Excellent. So you're so blue.
Bill Dippel (14:19.695)
Arranger and input. Yeah, so yeah, I love it. Perfect. So. Yes. Well.
Kelly Dries (14:27.34)
Yes, very blue.
Sarah Collins (14:28.545)
Yes, for those listening, that's the relationship building. Kelly leads with a lot of relationship building themes, even though she is also heavily heavily influenced by that purple, having that high achiever up there.
Bill Dippel (14:44.357)
And I like in your opening Kelly, because this is the great strengths debate season for strengths on fire. You actually highlight the debate beautifully right at the beginning. I thought in the beginning, these were so crippling to me. They were, they were hard as being a parent or as how they get it and how it's how to step into these strengths was getting in my way of parenting and not allowing me to be there. But now I hit the other side of it.
And now that I've leaned into them and I understand what they mean about me, I can become more present and actually I can turn them more into a better. So you're you're highlighting that ability of the of the great debate perfectly in that. guess my first question I want to lean into is which of those out of that top 10 do you think had the biggest pivot for you? Which one do you think was in your way when you started?
and then made that big turn for you that you now lean into and find is a better help in parenting.
Kelly Dries (15:47.786)
Interesting question. I honestly think it was my achiever. And part of that is I don't rest well. I don't play well. Right. So I want to be productive. And I think when my when my children were little, it was easy to be really productive. Like they could nap. I could listen to an audio book and be cleaning the house and.
get all the things done and everybody was happy. I wore my babies a lot and it was like they were on me, they were getting that touch and I could accomplish a lot of things on my task list. As they've gotten older, I can't do that. Even if I try to listen to an audio book when I'm with my kids, I now get called out of like, mommy, are you paying attention to me? Like what's in your ear? Can I have your ear bud? I wanna listen and I'm like, So I think the achiever for me is one that I struggled with.
Sarah Collins (16:32.035)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (16:32.861)
Ha ha ha ha.
Kelly Dries (16:40.742)
what has helped me is redefining what productive looks like. and as a parent, productivity looks different for me. the way that my, my partner and I work out our work schedules, I, I work in the mornings. He's second shift. So he works in the afternoon. like I get every afternoon with my kids and there are days if he has something going on that I might, might have them all day and I just clear my meetings or I don't take trainings that day. And those days are really hard for me.
when I don't have the morning to knock out tasks. And so I have to mentally prepare myself. And a lot of that is putting things on my to-do list that for some people might seem silly, but help me. So make my kids feel loved and make my kids laugh is on my to-do list every single day. Spend 20 minutes with Asher, spend 20 minutes with Keegan on my to-do list every day so that I'm giving them that one-on-one attention. Be present.
Sarah Collins (17:30.156)
I do.
Kelly Dries (17:40.566)
is on my to-do list. Also sounds very silly, but I have to work at that. I really, really have to focus on being present. And then I think it's also putting my phone out of sight. I'm a fan of Good Inside, Dr. Becky Kennedy. I'm a member. Does it make sense with my Achiever and Learner that I thrive off of that of how I can be a better parent? I do her daily lessons, but I have to have my phone two doors away. So like I have to shut it in a purse.
Sarah Collins (17:56.559)
huh.
Sarah Collins (18:02.104)
Right.
Kelly Dries (18:09.3)
in the other room and be far away so that I'm not tempted to go onto my email and quick respond or knock out a to-do-ist task. Like it needs to be out of sight. And that helps me. So I think it's reframing for me. It's not about getting things done, that being present can be the work. Yeah, I think that has helped me. But Achiever, I struggle with.
Sarah Collins (18:31.681)
I think that's so powerful. I conduct a strong as a mother coaching group with mothers exploring how their strengths show up in motherhood. And I always talk about how it's not you as a parent, it's you as a mother. But of course there's like intersection there, right? And a lot of moms struggle with how it's this, this idea that you're saying about these strengths drive us to do certain things.
And that can be hard then to be the present person at home, especially when you have those executing themes and those strategic thinking themes. And it's even funny for me to hear you have so much blue. Someone could assume by looking at this that you're like so lovey-dovey and wonderful, which I'm sure you are. But if you're not thinking about, she's got this achiever that's driving her to do, to do, to do, to do, to do, which then takes away this idea of like, what should she be doing? And
in parenting and motherhood, we get this trap of the should. A good mom would, right? Kelly, a good mom would spend time with her kids. A good mom would do this and a good mom would have a clean house and a good mom would be getting her work done. And like, there's all of this good mom-ing around us. And I think like, the way these strengths show up at home, it just can look so different than how they show up at work. And I think that is sometimes hard for people to reconcile. I have women go through in my group,
We have literally a list of their top 10 strengths and it says, how's this show up at work and how's this show up at home? And a lot of times I have a really hard time writing how it shows up at home. It's like hard to identify. And then when they do, they're like, what the heck? It's so different the way this comes out at home. But that's where I think the power is. And you're a coach, so you've done this work where one, it's the self-awareness. What is driving this? You realize this achiever is driving me.
to do a to-do list, but like that's not necessarily how I want to show up in motherhood. Like I want to be present, right? Like I want to be in the moment, but my achiever is saying, do the dishes, do the laundry. But it's like, okay, I want a clean house, but do I want it more than I want connection? And like, where's the push and pull, right? And I think that's the first step for people. It's like, do a self-assessment to figure out how do they show up now? And then that's where the aiming comes in, name it.
Sarah Collins (20:53.059)
claim it, aim it, then you can aim it to say like Kelly has, okay, here's my to do list of what's actually important. And here's how I'm going to take these strengths and aim it at it. And achievers love our list. So you've made yourself a list of ways to be showing up as the type of mom that you want to be, which I think is really cool.
Bill Dippel (21:11.185)
Yeah. And I, I was to, to emphasize that a bit. would point that out when I'm dealing with clients, you successfully aimed achiever at yourself rather than aiming it at achieving the to-do list. What you did was you reconciled in your mind that achiever what I need to achieve is have time with this child, have time with it. And, and
Sarah Collins (21:23.032)
Mm.
Bill Dippel (21:38.375)
Be present in that you made those choices and rather than letting achiever run away with your time and take you away from that you flipped it around and said I'm gonna aim it at myself and I and do these three at least these three things that are mission critical in my day. Is that fair?
Kelly Dries (21:56.098)
Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And I like that frame of like aiming achiever at myself. I've also got really intentional with goals. you I think about, we talk about as a family, like what are our goals? So both individually, I mean, my son is a little too young to do this yet, but my daughter is like, what are your goals for the summer? What are our goals as a family?
What are the things we want to do this summer? Which I feel like the doing is a little more like my positivity. Like let's bring fun to things. Let's create a list of fun things we can do this summer. So we have like summer bucket list on the fridge. That's a checklist that we check off when we do the things that we wanted to do this summer as a family. So I think it's like aiming those goals towards things as a family and for my children of things they want to do. So like, that's how we learned that my daughter wanted to do horseback riding lessons. My partner and I, not horse people.
I don't know why that's something that intrigued her, but it did. So we were like, okay, cool. Like, let's sign her up and try it out and see how she likes it. And so I think having those intentional conversations around their goals has been really impactful. And had I not sat to try to aim my achiever as a parent, I don't think I would have thought of that. So I think that has helped me become a better parent too, is not just thinking about how I'm using them, but thinking more about how I want to use them, both in terms of how I show up.
for them and how I work on myself as a parent.
Sarah Collins (23:22.071)
Yeah. I think what I hear in my group, and I'm curious to hear what you two would say to this is no matter what people's strengths are, we talk about parenting. I think we get this notion of how we should be doing it. Like I mentioned before, like a good mom, a good dad would do this. And then we feel like our strengths are working against us in that realm. You know, like for whatever reason, like if you have a lot of blue and you're really like whatever you're like, my house isn't clean enough. And if you're really like,
Kelly Dries (23:41.528)
Yeah. Yeah.
Sarah Collins (23:49.611)
you know, achiever base and your house is really clean. You're like, I'm not spending enough time with my kids. I'm curious, like, what do you say to people like, how do we decide what we should be doing? And then think, how do our strengths help us do that? But like, what should we be doing? Like, what is good?
Bill Dippel (24:11.227)
Yeah, yeah, I well, I mean, I'll touch on it from a non achiever point of view. It's I actually don't have high achievers. It's it's so in the debate part for me, it's not even in my top 10. So for me, I'm an activator. So when you ask me what I should do, I do it all. I mean, I start everything. The minute it hits, I'm going to take it on. I'm going to try it and see how it fits. But if I achieve it, big deal.
Sarah Collins (24:32.547)
home.
Bill Dippel (24:40.867)
If I don't, it's okay. Which, by the way, in this debate today, drives my other half berserk. How come we started and didn't get it over the goal line? Or what didn't we do? Got it. Understand that. And I'm not saying activator and achiever are complete opposites. We know that there are no true complete opposites within the Gallup themes. But when I coach and work with achiever people, I would say...
Dr. Drees, you brought this up correctly in my estimation. It's the accuracy of goal setting. So how often are we doing? I just want you to set three goals today or this week. Anything longer than that isn't a goal. It's a to do list. So let's accurately set this from a parenting or let's say a spouse point of view. What are we going to do to try and achieve and make the achiever light up on just this?
Because if I get you to try to achieve all of it, now you're burned out, you're oversold. That's where I think the achiever gets into trouble. I don't possess it. That's my belief in it. What, Dr. Drees, what do you think?
Kelly Dries (25:51.404)
Yeah, well, I keep thinking about the the shooting. I'm sorry, my head was still spinning on Sarah's comment of shooting. Sorry, Bill. Because I, I shoot on myself constantly and I am thinking through I mean, last night I had this this moment. There was a movie night in our local park that started the movie started at 830.
Bill Dippel (25:59.379)
Sure, of course!
Kelly Dries (26:17.922)
And I messaged a couple friends of mine to say, like friends who have kids, to say, hey, do you want to join me? Like my partner wasn't going to be able to be home in time. And I was like, taking the kids to the park by myself that late. I could have tantrums. I could have both kids wanting me to hold them. I would love another adult to be there. And my two friends who have young kids the same age were like, you're going to take them. it's late. Like my kids are being bed by eight o'clock. And I was like, so in my head, I'm like, I shouldn't do this. Like I'm a bad.
Sarah Collins (26:46.552)
huh.
Kelly Dries (26:47.234)
parents are not having my young children in bed early. But I was like, no, like I already talked to them about doing it. They wanted to do it. It's fun. My positivity was like, let's go to the movie. We've had it on the calendar. So we went and I mean, they were, they both stayed up. kind of thought my two year old would at least fall asleep at the movie. They were both up to like 11 o'clock. We got home. They were like, mommy, we have to read books because we normally read books every night. So we still read five books.
and then they went to bed and it was like 11, 15 and I'm like, wow, I'm a really, right? Like I was shitting on myself. Like I'm a bad mom. Like I kept my kids up really late. I shouldn't have done that. But, you know, part of me then has to repeat like, I'm a good parent and I made a decision based on my talents and I hope my kids enjoyed the night. Like they were great until it was time to leave and they got a little like, you know, upset, but even when they got home, it was like, no, let's do bedtime routine now.
Sarah Collins (27:17.517)
Mm-hmm. I shouldn't have done that. Yeah.
Kelly Dries (27:42.126)
Okay. Yeah. So I think it's the reminder that like everybody's going to do something differently and you have to kind of just own you and own the decisions you make. don't know. But I think it's hard not to shit on yourself. I shit on myself almost every day. Yeah.
Sarah Collins (27:43.275)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (27:43.763)
So good.
Sarah Collins (27:53.976)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (27:58.655)
Absolutely. And I think it's just the nature, especially the way we live with the internet today, and there's so much comparison of how other parents are doing it. So not only do have your friends saying this and your neighbors and your family, but then you have everyone on the internet doing it a certain way. And so I think it's easy to compare yourself. And I love to think about whenever I'm thinking about moments like you had Kelly last night and thinking, am I a bad mom for doing this? I love thinking about the good stories people share where they'll be like,
you know, I like especially learning from older parents. And you know, it's like someone who has adult children, they'll say like, I used to be exhausted on Fridays. So I would give my children literally snacks, like here's a snack plate and it would be chips and slices of cheese and literally crap because I was tired. And I felt like such a bad mom. felt like such a terrible parent that I gave them this crap. And now that they're adults, they're like, our favorite thing in the whole world was snack dinners.
And I think of stories like that and I think, okay, what we think is right is not necessarily right, right? The things that make the memories. And so it's like, it's taking some of the pressure off because this parenting thing is, and the spousing thing, it's all day, every day constant. It's literally, you can't escape it. You're just always in it. And that's a lot to carry. And I think you feel an alignment when you live.
in a way that is in alignment with your strengths and you allow yourself like you did, you said, okay, my positivity loves this, this is gonna be so fun, we're gonna go out there. Is it the thing that I quote unquote should be doing? Right? Cause there could be a point where your input and your learner would be like, I don't know, a lot of the research out there says your kids should be in bed, right? You could easily get yourself into this strategic mindset of it.
but you like gave yourself permission like, no, we have summer bingo. We wanna do these things and therefore we're gonna make the consensus that positivity is leading the night. And she says, we're going to the movie and it's gonna be okay. No one's gonna die. No one died. Everything is fine. And so a cheifer gets the clicker off of your bingo list and positivity gets to say, yeah, we did that.
Bill Dippel (30:09.811)
So good. And I think it harkens back a bit to my point on goal setting. You set the goal, we're going to the movie. You set the goal, my kids are going to have fun. Ooh, I should wait. I'm shooting on myself because some people questioned the timing and how late and should we go and what, by the way, those other parents were shooting. Wait a minute. Should we go to the movie and go and takes it right? The shooting goes all the way around.
Kelly Dries (30:10.232)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (30:17.518)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (30:18.05)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Collins (30:32.876)
Mm-hmm.
Bill Dippel (30:35.175)
And again, you had set the goal, the intention you're leading into your positivity and your developer with children. Let's expand the range a little bit. That's that was the goal you set. That's the goal you achieved. Right. I I absolutely love love the idea that you're leaning into your achiever to say we've set this. We've set these goals. We're going to meet them and I'm going to get us there. Even if I question myself in that.
even if there's a time when I'm going to maybe have a moment to think about it and worry about am I being the right parent.
Sarah Collins (31:11.203)
I have question for you. have been thinking I have positivity at number one. I have a seven year old boy and twin daughters that are five as a reminder to everybody. And as I think about it, I sometimes find it hard to see my positivity show up in my house. And I tell my clients all the time that positivity is a relationship building theme. And so it shows up when you are in building relationships with people.
And I just find like, if I am alone, I don't have a lot of positivity. Like I get sad and lonely and depressed just like everybody else. And the longer I'm alone, the more I get that way. And like, I have to get out into the world to turn the positivity on. Like it's like a magic switch. I'm like, I'm feeling so lonely. And then I walk into a group of people and I'm like, okay, we're back. And sometimes that just doesn't turn out with my children.
I have noticed the older they get, the little bit more it can, but with when they've been so little, they're just so a part of me and in our house that it wasn't like I was building that relationship. so for me, I've had to now be really intentional of like, want them to see that side of me. I am so fun. I am a light, you know? Like I'm just like a light in this world. And so...
I was like, okay, how can I make sure I use it? And so now what I do is every day I wake them up and I wanna be the one to wake them up. And I think I'm going up there with my positivity. Like no one's drained my battery yet. And I sing to them and I cuddle with them and I tell them I love them so much and you're going on for such a good day. And like I bring to each of them positivity every morning, cause I have the bandwidth for it. And I want them to see that. But it was hard for me to get that to show up without that intentionality. I am just curious, do you,
have that experience or am I on an island out here just being a total curmudgeon with my family?
Kelly Dries (33:03.468)
No, not at all. Not at all. I feel like I have to work at it. And I also feel like that's your positivity and your woo, because I could not do that. That is not how my positivity shows up in terms of like, I actually feel like if I'm around too many people with my positivity, it drains me. My positivity shines one on one. My positivity shines with a task list. So even this morning, I thought,
Sarah Collins (33:10.05)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (33:14.008)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (33:19.998)
And turn.
Sarah Collins (33:27.949)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (33:30.558)
my partner is going to be waking up potentially to a dumpster fire they're gonna wake up and i'm not there and they normally like to know that in advance and i didn't really think through that with the late night movie that they wouldn't be awake when i woke up and and left the house so i was like what can i do quite that would be fine and normally if i'm not going to be there in the morning if i like have a work trip or amount of town i will leave them goodie bags with little love notes and i was like they're gonna look for that and i didn't do anything because i didn't plan for this
So I quickly on a sticky note wrote them both little love notes where they do breakfast in the morning in our little breakfast nook. And then I hid, I wrote love messages on a stack of sticky notes and hid them in the playroom and in their bedroom and just said like, know, let daddy know. I think I put like, ask her, have daddy read this. And then I said like, I hid notes, like, hopefully you can drink your coffee in peace.
there's things for them to go find around the house. And some of them are like little prizes of like, I'll go buy you a cake pop later. Bribery. But I think my positivity, and I will tell you, I've had to work at this. We do the elf, right? The Christmas time elf. And I know I've seen your posts, Sarah, I know you do them too. They love waking up in December, you know? And the first year I did it, I was like, this is so magical and so beautiful that every morning they wake up so excited to find the elf.
Bill Dippel (34:30.58)
Hahaha
Sarah Collins (34:32.343)
love Bribery.
Sarah Collins (34:46.083)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (34:53.262)
And then January 1st came or whatever, December 26th when the elf leaves, was like, womp, womp. Like, I'm not excited anymore, there's no elf, right? And so I thought like, how do I bring that magic every day? And a lot of that is my achiever and positivity dynamic. Like thinking through, making a plan, what am I gonna do to make today fun? And sometimes it's like, chat GPT, give me a list of some fun things I can do that I haven't done with the kids.
Sarah Collins (34:59.926)
Nyeh-oh!
Sarah Collins (35:06.083)
Mmm...
Kelly Dries (35:20.286)
there might be a new thing for them, like a fun scavenger hunt or an obstacle course I could set up the night before that they get to do in the morning. But something that shows I'm thinking of them and they wake up like, this exciting, I get to do this new thing today. And so I think it's, I've had to aim it for sure. Absolutely. I've had to be really intentional about it, but I think it shows up with with that achiever of like plan it out, plan out my fun. I'm not a naturally fun. I have to plan it.
Sarah Collins (35:37.123)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (35:46.167)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (35:50.158)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (35:50.171)
Wow. I would, you know, from a parenting point of view, I would say having developer like you do very, very high, it's number two for me. And having all the blue up so high that I have when I first stepped into the parenting role for our our children, I married into it. And so that was a that was a different role. But then again.
Sarah Collins (35:50.69)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (36:16.345)
As a child, my mom was married multiple times, so there were a lot of guys that stepped into that role. So I kind of had a playbook for it. And I literally stepped into our marriage and I thought all this all these children need is love. That's that's all any child ever needs. I was wrong. They they needed direction. They need it right. And two of the two boys are older. They were pretty much gone and out. But we had the daughter and the daughter.
Kelly Dries (36:35.726)
strength food.
Bill Dippel (36:44.765)
to say was a handful would be an understatement was definitely a wild child.
Sarah Collins (36:51.063)
And she was a teen when you stepped in, right?
Bill Dippel (36:52.989)
She was. she I think I stepped in and Renee and I made a very conscious choice not to be together until she was 18 or so. But even though we had been dating, started dating when she was about 14 or 15, so we were trying to be very, you know, honest with her, not live together. But Mandy did come in and out of our lives pretty frequently. And at one point my developer fell off the plate and all of my blue because Mandy was breaking a rule at the house for a dinner.
Kelly Dries (36:55.15)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (37:22.707)
And so I threw her out, you know, and man talk about hurting my developer and talk about crushing the blue in me, you know, and and and I put her on the front porch and said when you're ready to actually follow the rules, you can come back in and she said I will never come in this house ever again for the rest of my life. I'm like, well, that's it. That's a choice. That's a choice you can make. And I closed the door. I walked in and the other kids were here and I just said, well, I just threw Mandy out just so we're all aware. And.
Sarah Collins (37:40.139)
Bill Dippel (37:50.929)
you know, Renee walked outside and had a talk and Mandy ended up going with a friend and taking off and doing some stuff. And, you know, the drama wasn't, wasn't catastrophic. And about three weeks later, Mandy called Renee and she was here at the house and said, I need 20 bucks to go do something. And Renee said, swing on by the house. We've got about eight people here at a party and just come on in. And, and he said, no, won't. And Renee said, okay, well it's 20 bucks. You know, if you need it, you got to get over to the house, say hi to Bill when you get in. And yeah.
And apparently that that horrible that horrible event was worth about 20 bucks because she showed up walked in gave me a big hug and Ended up getting her money for the day and I bring this up because now As an older parent and Sarah you brought up, know The older parents and the and maybe the wisdom or maybe the experience you've had Mandy will tell everybody you are my dad
You are the person that meant so much to me in that time because you showed me boundaries and caring and it took the developer to get shut off in the debate side for me when we're talking about what it is to be a good parent or partner it took me to to lean into some of the other things that I might do to activate on this is a rule and You're not you're not doing it and I'll maybe just don't need a bit a minute more of love. Maybe it isn't
maybe it isn't just caring and gently asking you, maybe there is a moment where I needed to act. And I really look at that moment as being the thing that turned a big part of our relationship around. And I still talk to her frequently. We, you know, she's the one of the three kids. She's the one that calls me on Father's Day every year and make sure that, you know, I'm well taken care of and, you loving and all. So again.
Sarah Collins (39:28.461)
Mm-hmm.
Bill Dippel (39:43.275)
I just saying from my point of view on the on the parenting debate side of this I think sometimes shutting down that blue and stepping into the the purple that you have and and Sometimes the influencing that I have which is number two for me. critical necessary and While we think it's going to be devastating means the world to them maybe in the end or makes us better parents when we think
I'm once again, I'm shitting myself really hard right now. Should I have done this? So thoughts, what do you think?
Sarah Collins (40:11.768)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Dries (40:16.982)
Yeah, I mean, I agree. think it's interesting to think about how one of our strengths, if we lean too heavily into it, can kind of drain us in parenting. I think I think about that a lot in work. I don't know how much I've thought about that in my parenting, but it's true. And I'm there. I think I can get too much into my achiever, but I sometimes can get a little too much into my empathy. feel like I have to find the balance between the two of those.
Sarah Collins (40:41.623)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Dries (40:44.27)
Because empathy is actually where I feel like I can shine. Like, give me a tantrum and I will blow you away with my ability to handle a tantrum. And not shut it down, but like sit with it and let it happen and let them feel it out. And I will never forget the first time I got to put those skills to the test. Like my first epic tantrum from my daughter. She was two, had just turned two and we probably had like a, I think,
Sarah Collins (40:57.602)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (41:12.298)
my son was maybe three weeks old. Like we had recently brought him home. She was in the bath and she didn't want to get out of the bath. And you know, she started freaking out in the bathtub and like a full on epic tantrum. And my husband looked at me and was like,
Sarah Collins (41:23.415)
Okay.
Kelly Dries (41:32.278)
I don't know what to do, right? Like, I'm not equipped for this. Make it stop, Kelly, make it stop. And I was like, we can't make it stop. Like, she's got to get this out. And internally, I'm like, this is because she's two. Her world just got totally disrupted and she has no language to share that. Like, we just brought home another child. She's getting less of our attention. And it's probably a bit of jealousy. It's probably a bit of anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness. Who knows what all was going through that little body of hers.
Sarah Collins (41:34.614)
Right.
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (41:38.543)
Make it stop.
Sarah Collins (41:45.781)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Collins (41:56.703)
yeah.
Kelly Dries (42:02.136)
But she needed to let it out. So, you know, I repeated the mantra and stages I'd learned, I guess, using a little bit of my learner of like, how do I deal with the tantrum appropriately? But I use that to validate her to say I was there. And now I feel like I thrive when my kids are having a hard time, which sounds really, I don't know, it doesn't sound the greatest, but I feel like I can turn on that empathy and really support them. Then I'm hopeful we'll set them up for success later in life.
Sarah Collins (42:04.013)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Collins (42:21.027)
Yeah, no.
Kelly Dries (42:31.946)
and, just validate those feelings. And I always find it ironic that I have empathy in my top five because I was someone that was taught not to feel as a child. So, you know, like the athletes don't cry. Like if you're crying, go in your room until you can come out and be happy. So like the, the fact that that's a talent I have sometimes fascinates me. was like, was it born out of an, a need I had to.
Sarah Collins (42:43.115)
I'm out of here.
Kelly Dries (43:00.376)
Process or was it just there and it was shut down that I lean did do it further I don't know But I feel like I'm hoping I'm setting them up to to be able to have a high emotional intelligence as they're older and I find myself Being able to like turn on I'm a good parent when I can respond to a tantrum and sometimes you know Like all of us we don't always feel like a good parent or a good partner But give me someone that's having a hard time and I feel like I'm I I I can be good at helping
Sarah Collins (43:22.221)
Mm-hmm.
Bill Dippel (43:27.815)
Hmm.
Sarah Collins (43:28.055)
Yeah, I love you recognizing that. And it makes me think about like the way you articulate that empathy showing up in hard times with your kids. I think that's wonderful. And I think that's the thing. If you're a parent, you need to recognize there are certain things in parenting that you're going to hit your stride with. And the thing about being a parent is your kids are different ages all the time. So when they're babies versus toddlers versus little kids versus a little bit bigger kids, like they're different the way they show up and what they need from you. So they're
probably are gonna be times where you're feel like, man, I got this parent thing thing on lockdown. And like I would say, if you feel like you haven't hit it yet, it's still coming. Like you might be an awesome teenage parent, right? Like I had a woman in Strong as a Mother a few years ago who had tons of green, greens and purples, right? She was a lawyer and she had babies. And she was like, I'm a terrible parent. am not, like I don't, I'm not lovey-dovey, I'm not huggy, I'm not relationship driven.
what the hell am I supposed to be doing with these kids? You know, and we really had to work on leaning into her strengths to do what she could and taking that on and also realizing that maybe those baby stages, those toddler stages, those are just going to be harder years for her. Cause the thing, the thing I think about with strengths is at work, especially if we're in like a good work environment, we can put people in the right seat on the bus to do things that really use their strengths.
We get people to, yeah, we want to put you in this role where you get to use your strengths and you can thrive and we're going to, but this other person in this role where they're using their strengths and we can shuffle people. As a parent, as a spouse, you got to do everything, whether you're good at it or not, whether you like it or not. There is really no other seat on the bus or shuffling, right? And so it's like, okay, for the season that we're in, and then it gets hard, you complicate this because then you have a kid who's two.
Bill Dippel (45:12.691)
No shuffling, right? Yeah, no shuffling.
Kelly Dries (45:15.214)
Yeah. Yeah. Help.
Sarah Collins (45:24.789)
and four, or some people out there who have a baby and an eight-year-old and a 12-year-old and a 20-year-old. Okay, now you're literally spread out throughout the spectrum. You have to interact with each of these kids at different points in their development and your strengths then have to try to meet them where they're at. Like that is exhausting. Of course, are you tired? Of course you're tired. Yes. And so I think though it's like giving yourself the grace. One, do the work. Look at your strengths in your parenting.
and see what's showing up how. Think about what your kids need. Think about where do you feel in stride. And then I think also in the places you do not feel like you're thriving, like if you're in a season where your kids are doing stuff that is so hard for you, seriously lean on your resources. We were not meant to do this alone. We were supposed to do this in a village. Brandon Miller, who was on our podcast about competition, he actually has a strengths-based parenting book he wrote with his wife.
and they actually have this strategy called the four S's. And I use this with clients in my strongest mother group all the time. It's like, swap it out, sync up, support. I can't remember the last one, but we talk about that. Like, who can you pay to do this? Who can you, can you lean on a neighbor? Can you sync up with a spouse or your parents? But it's like, do not think that you should be doing this alone because there are gonna be pieces of it that are really fricking hard for you.
because you only have so many talents in your skill set. And if you lean into what you're naturally good at and you do the best you can and you think strategically about how I do these things, for me, you're gonna be set up better, you're gonna show up better for your kids. And also your kids need the influence of other people anyways. So make it easier on yourself. Don't be a martyr and think you have to do all of this, because there's just gonna be certain stuff that's harder for you. You know, I think...
And for those really strategic people, they're probably awesome at thinking through the Christmas list and who's going to get what and how much money are we going to spend on it and the fairness of it, or even the activities. What activities are we going to do when and the schedule? And I think those people thrive at that. I suck at that. At Christmas time, I probably got a kid who's getting $60 worth of stuff and one who's getting $600 worth of stuff because I got Activator. I'm just out here buying willy nilly. And so then I get like, this isn't fair. And I'm like, shit, it's not fair.
Bill Dippel (47:42.749)
Hahaha.
Kelly Dries (47:45.016)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (47:49.229)
A strategic mom would never do that. You know, she would be on it. So it's like, just embrace what you have, lean on other people and give yourself grace. And I think it's like really cool, Kelly, the way you can show up with that empathy in those tantrums and recognize that. Like, what a gift. What a gift you have given your children.
Kelly Dries (47:51.551)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (48:12.172)
Yeah. Well, and I think it's true, like Bill's point too, I think, right, like I have to reframe because my partner has empathy 34, like 34. So feelings for him, that's why you looked at me during the headlights with the tantrum of like, I don't even know, I don't know what to do with this, right? And so sometimes I can feel like I'm too soft, right? And I have to reframe for him sometimes, like it doesn't mean I'm soft, it means I'm tuning in.
Bill Dippel (48:14.247)
Now.
Sarah Collins (48:23.971)
mmmm
Sarah Collins (48:34.808)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (48:39.352)
But to Bill's point, like I can't tune in all the time, because that's draining. Like I need boundaries around my empathy. And I think that's true of every talent, right? Like, mean, balcony, basement, right? You've got to be aware of when you're dipping into something that's going to hinder you. And for me, I've had to set boundaries. Like, I can't be all about the feelings all the time or be the only one that's handling that, or I will drain that part of me real quick. But yeah, I think those boundaries are so important.
Bill Dippel (49:04.753)
Yeah, yeah, I get, I get, yeah, I get so drained, knowing that my woo and my developer and my blue, I mentioned it before, sometimes I don't want to go to a party cause I know what it's going to take to meet everybody in that party. Then I leave and I had a great time and I met a bunch of wonderful people, but you're absolutely right. When I think of the energy involved in doing it, that's when I get demotivated, where I'm now in the basement rather than leaning into.
the strength side of it. But I do want to lead you into we're going to jump into our dumpster fire component of today. no, no, no, not yet. Easy. Good. But hold on. Well, hold on, because I want to ask you before because we've talked parenting all three of us. Right. And I was going to link that this might lean into the dumpster or it might head that direction. You let us know.
Sarah Collins (49:41.473)
Not yet, we're not. I rearranged our schedule. So now I'm gonna go to our LinkedIn poll.
Bill Dippel (50:03.175)
But I want to ask you, we've mentioned your partner a couple of times and we had a funny comment right in the beginning in our pre-show that you receive Christmas cards that say Dr. Kelly Dries and Mr. and how funny that moment can be. we've asked all three of us have talked about the parenting strengths we use. Talk for a moment about the relationship side for the partner.
of the debate part of this question. What strength do you think leans into that with you?
Kelly Dries (50:37.184)
You know, I feel like it's fascinating to me, right? think having your partner take strengths is a beautiful thing. And you'll know in my top 10, there are no influencing talents with the exception of competition has been higher in other versions. And it's number 11 for me. I resonate with competition a little more than some of the others at the bottom. But that's my only influencing talent. The rest are like way at the bottom. He leads with influencing.
self-assurance, significance, what makes us work is we both have achiever at number one. so I can look back to past relationships of mine and know that they've failed because that person did not have achiever, did not have this desire to, to constantly be productive. And, and, and I don't want to say busy, but like always be doing something like, and I love that about my partnering relationship is like, we don't, we, are busy together.
Sarah Collins (51:13.603)
Hmm.
Kelly Dries (51:35.278)
And we do a lot of things together that are productive for our goals as a couple, as a family. But I think we have opposite strengths. So adaptability is one of his top talents, which, my gosh, sets us up as a family better, sets us up in our relationship better. So I think...
I guess maybe Bill, I'll ask you to repeat your question as I'm not sure if I'm answering it, but I think knowing what our strengths are as a couple has helped us. And also, I mean, they say opposites attract. It's very true for us in terms of we have some core foundational similarities, but empathy for him is low. It's high for me. Adaptability is right there at the top for him and it's low for me. And I think those two.
traits in both of us help us be better in terms of how we parent our children and how we show up for each other. I don't know if I'm answering your question at all.
Bill Dippel (52:31.015)
No, think that answers the question really well as far as, I find so frequently opposites do attract, but that can also be the thing that drives us nuts about our partner later on in life, where we have those gritty moments. And you're right, adaptability's down, it's 29 for you and it's super high for him. So he wants to pivot and change and make things happen and you're more like, no, we're staying the course, we're gonna, yeah, right.
Kelly Dries (52:43.664)
yeah, for sure.
Kelly Dries (52:54.328)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (52:57.971)
And so, no, I think you're absolutely correct. Just understanding each other's strengths and letting each other breathe in those moments when we don't agree on maybe the parenting theme or the friends that we're going to surround ourselves with or the vacation we're going to take and let him lean into that adaptability and let you run the run the pivot in the course and make sure that you're moving in the right direction. But knowing that about each other and living it, I think that's you know, that's exactly right. And from my point of view,
on the debate side, that's, that's the strength of doing this. Although I think from a debate point of view, they do get in each other. We do, we do butt heads, right? We will have those moments where that is going to happen, but I do think strengths help us overcome that as well. If we know what the strength is that we're butting heads with and we know why we're doing it, we have the language of strengths to be able to now say, gosh, darn it, you know, your empathy is driving me nuts today. Right? that's
Kelly Dries (53:37.614)
yeah.
Kelly Dries (53:44.909)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (53:57.393)
I think that's powerful. So I do think you're absolutely answering it. Yeah. So
Kelly Dries (53:59.203)
Yeah. I think that knowledge of it is critical in the moments when you're feeling the heat. Right? think when my partner and I first started dating, I used to love it because he was like, whatever, like you want sushi again for the 10th time this month? Like, cool, I'm down. Let's get sushi. You know? And I was like, cool, I get to always decide where we go to eat. And then sometimes now when I'm like,
I've had a long day of deciding with clients and like my meetings and my schedule and then parenting. And then it's like, when I ask, what do you want to do for dinner? And it's like, well, I don't care whatever you want to do. And I'm like, no, like make a decision. I'm asking you to make a decision today. Please help me. I at least can know like, this is his adaptability and he really doesn't care and he's fine with whatever. but sometimes, yeah, I feel like having that awareness at least to know like he isn't trying to make me make more decisions or make it harder. It's just.
Sarah Collins (54:40.566)
Right.
Kelly Dries (54:53.14)
he really doesn't care. And that's a beautiful thing sometimes of like, can do anything and he'll be happy. Yeah.
Sarah Collins (54:55.565)
Yeah.
Bill Dippel (54:55.687)
Right.
Bill Dippel (54:59.633)
Yeah, great example. Really, really good example. Yeah, yeah.
Sarah Collins (55:02.815)
Absolutely. And I think you're right. think when we have our spouses take this, it gives us an insight to them. And I think people always love it. You know, even if you don't use it that much, just having that knowledge to be able to go back to, even if it's just when you're frustrated, to go back and look and be like, where's this maybe coming from? And I love, Kelly, how you point out, like, sometimes it's the things that you fell in love with are the things that end up driving you crazy.
Kelly Dries (55:27.918)
Right? Funny how that works.
Sarah Collins (55:31.235)
Absolutely. And so our poll for today was have you applied your CliftonStrengths at home? We had 6 % say yes in parenting, 19 % say yes in partnership, 68 % said yes in both, and 6 % said, wait, you can do that? So it looks like majority of people are doing it both in their partnership and in parenting.
Bill Dippel (55:51.261)
hahahaha
Sarah Collins (55:59.617)
We had Tyanne Osborne, who's been a guest on this podcast before comment that she said, my youngest daughter was a complete enigma to me. Once I discovered she was off the chart high in discipline, which is really low for me. I saw her in a different light. Our relationship got a lot better after that. And what I love about this, and we didn't even have the chance to touch on it. We could literally have a whole podcast about just this topic. I think we didn't even talk about the strengths of your children, which of course,
Bill Dippel (56:02.611)
time.
Sarah Collins (56:28.833)
For those of you listening, you don't really give the CliftonStrengths assessment to people until they're at least, I would say, 14, 18, somewhere in there. I've had people. There is a Strengths Explorer assessment that is for younger people that you can give. is similar. It is the same basis and similar research as the CliftonStrengths assessment. There's just less words. It's a little bit more simple, simplistic for younger people. So you could give them Strengths Explorer.
You could, as soon as they can read and understand it, you know, give them the full CliftonStrengths assessment. But, and as, of course, then they become adults, you can use this. And I think it's really powerful for families to use as their kids get older to think about, okay, now not only do I have my own strengths to think of, but I have this person, my children's strengths to think of, and even how our whole family operates with that. Any thoughts about that, guys?
Bill Dippel (57:25.393)
Well, I like the strengths explorer because it doesn't crush the children. It only gives you your top five, I believe. And it doesn't show the bottom. And it says you're great at these things and it doesn't allow them to dwell on mine. I don't do any of these, which in the thirty four report as coaches, we all know adults tend to go to the bottom of the report and go, you're right. I don't have that and I don't have that. And that's a downside. That's a downside. And
Sarah Collins (57:30.561)
Mm-hmm.
Bill Dippel (57:52.339)
Using Explorer with some of the student groups we've done. I I love that it just doesn't let them get there It just highlights what you're doing great, right and keep doing these things and as gallup research will show you once you're out of the strengths Explorer age It's gonna change anyway because you're in development So then let's look at taking it again and I do I I appreciate that component and thanks for bringing up the Explorer because it does It does help from a from a parent
Sarah Collins (57:58.251)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Sarah Collins (58:08.131)
Yep.
Bill Dippel (58:19.345)
I think point of view for the grandkids that I've worked with it. I was in an event last night with four of my grandchildren in wildly different age groups and one of them can't stand, can't stand me. I mean, I say that jokingly, but they'll all hug me and love me and kiss me. And then one of them is like, no, just no, I do not, you know, and I'm like, can I just, all of them, can I just get like nucks for a second? Like, no. And I have to deal with that.
Right. I have to let my I know the grandkids don't understand the relationship side of it or the other end. Right. But when we start administering and understanding what they're great at, it helps us kind of over overcome those little blips on my end. So that's that's my take on Explorer and where it helps me out from a parenting end. Dr. Drees, what do you think?
Kelly Dries (59:02.744)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (59:08.322)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (59:10.688)
Yeah, I read strengths-based parenting before my kids. think when my daughter was in my womb, was reading that amongst a bunch of books. And so my kids are too young to take the Explorer yet, but I have started strength spotting, especially with my daughter. And I love doing that, watching for moments where she's in the zone, where I can be like, hmm, is this a glimpse of a talent that's coming out?
And I'll give you an example. A couple of weeks ago, my sister bought her this like costume jewelry ring set. And I noticed she wasn't out in our playroom playing and I went to look for her and she was in her bedroom, kind of like standing above her bed and she had all this stuff, all jewelry all over the bed and then had some containers. And I just watched her for a while, probably about 15 minutes. I mean, I took a video cause I'm like, she is in the zone, like talking to herself, like just focused and
Eventually she kind of broke, realized I was there and I was like, what are you doing, sweetie? And she's like, come here, come here, I wanna show you. She was like, I'm organizing my rings. She's like, so here are all the rings that have animals on them. Here's all the rings that have flowers on them. Here's all of the ones that are glittery. And then here are the rings that like don't fit into any of the other boxes. And I was like, wow, that is really cool. And that's not me, right? I know I have a ranger high, but like that's not how my ranger shows up. So I'm like, is this a glimpse of her ranger or some kind of executing talent where she's like,
I need to organize this into the places it fits. And it was just a beautiful moment of starting to see moments for her where she is in the zone, focused, and just happy and joyful. And it was cool to see. I'm excited to continue on my parenting journey to start to spot those moments, to see what talents they have and then help them shine more in them, right? So.
Sarah Collins (01:01:03.96)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (01:01:04.31)
Yeah, I feel like it's fun to start to strength spot.
Sarah Collins (01:01:07.789)
There's a great book called The Strength Switch, which is actually a parenting book. I don't know if you've read that one too. It doesn't talk specifically Clifton strengths, but it does talk about strengths. You know, and you can draw similarities. And it's all about how as parents, we really should be spotting our children's strengths, just like you're doing, Kelly, and saying it. Because what so often happens is your kid will leave their bike in the yard and you'll come outside and you'll be like, why didn't you put your
Kelly Dries (01:01:13.122)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (01:01:36.247)
Bike in the garage. You need to put your bike in the garage. We're always correcting. We're always coming at them from a deficit mindset of what they didn't do. And what we really should be doing is encouraging them on what they did do. So the bike's in the garage, but you can say, hey, you your helmet in the garage. Awesome. High five. What about your bike? You know, and they are going to be so much more receptive and so much more listening to us when we are spotting what they do right. And we start, like you were saying, like noticing the good and saying it out loud. And so The Strength Switch is a great book that I would highly recommend.
Another take on this that I think is interesting that came in from LinkedIn is Angeline Soon said, this was a sore spot for me with my relationship with my dad until I understood his top five. Whenever we'd plan a trip, he'll want to invite more people. And for me, I used to think I'm not good enough that you always have to pull in others to make the trip better. But since learning that he has Includer at number three and mine is 33,
I now talk myself off the ledge and understand this isn't about me. It's about him wanting the stretch, the circle wider. Wow, what a great example of how knowing someone's strengths, even your own parents. Now we're giving like our moms and dads, right? Like as Dr. Becky would say, we got to heal our own trauma over here. And so it's like.
Bill Dippel (01:02:41.639)
Wow.
Kelly Dries (01:02:52.077)
I'm
Bill Dippel (01:02:52.603)
We do. Wow.
Sarah Collins (01:02:55.267)
what if we gave it to our parents? This is something I have not done yet, but now I'm like, oh, maybe Jackie and Fred, my mom and dad need to be taking this assessment. And maybe that would help us give, I always talk about the second story. What's the second story on what's really happening, why they did and why they continue to do the same things that they do.
Kelly Dries (01:03:16.206)
Yeah, I love that. are we talking? Like, how can I talk myself off the ledge? Right? Because like, what are the stories we're telling ourselves? And a lot of times it's, I haven't had my parents take it, but I can guess a few things that they have that I don't, that have caused problems for me, at least in terms of the story I'm telling myself about what it means about me. So I love that. Whoever shared that. I love that. How can I talk myself off the ledge? Yeah.
Bill Dippel (01:03:21.563)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (01:03:38.371)
You're tough.
Yeah, that was really powerful. Yes. Now.
Bill Dippel (01:03:45.117)
So, go ahead, sir.
Sarah Collins (01:03:47.927)
I was just going to say now, Kelly, do you want to share with us some moments when your strengths have gotten you into a dumpster fire and also when they're firework moments, when you feel like you're shooting on all cylinders. And because of our topic today, if you can talk about in parenting or in partnership, I think that would be awesome.
Kelly Dries (01:04:09.954)
Yeah, I mean, I think there is a trap with my achiever and learner in all aspects of my life. Parenting, no, for sure. I have mentioned I read a lot. I read a book a week. I've done it as long as I can remember. And before my kids were born, I read the book, How to Raise a Reader, because reading for me is like, I mean,
It's my escape. It's where I learn. It's like I don't watch TV. I'll read a book. Even if my partner wants to watch TV, I will sit next to him and I will read on my Kindle. And so books are everywhere in our house, because that was one of the lessons of how to raise a reader is like put books everywhere from like as young. So we have like book boxes, we have bookshelves, their rooms have books on the shelves and on like an extra thing and on the wall and
We go to the library every week. And part of me, I think my relationship with my own mother, we read books together. We belong to Book of the Month Club. And then every month we get a book to read and then we swap them. And that's kind of like how we talk is through books. And so like, I really want my kids to be readers, but I think my Achiever and Learner is potentially pushing it little too hard in terms of like,
on my to-do list every day is like make sure that the kids got five books a day. And, you know, like if we don't do that, the next day I try to make up for it, right? And it's, I have to be aware. Like that is a dumpster fire for me. And we were, I'm getting to the actual maybe like a fire moment lately. I signed both kids up for, our library has a program of like read a thousand books before kindergarten. And my daughter's really close.
But I'm realizing that I'm the one pushing that, not her. I'm like, we gotta go, we gotta log this, we gotta, you're almost there, how exciting. And I'm seeing her reaction as like, she's not as excited as I am about this. And so I feel like I am gonna continuously, as a parent, have to rein in that achiever and learner for me so that I don't put that on them. I don't want my goals
Kelly Dries (01:06:33.806)
to be what's driving them, right? And I think, yeah, the moment last week at the library where she got like, she got her 800 little plaque, because she just hit 800 books. And like, she didn't care at all. She threw it on the floor. She like literally dropped it and the librarian was like, oh, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like, this is my award. And like, this isn't, yeah, we gotta, yeah, I gotta rein this in a little bit. I was like, she doesn't care if she hits a thousand books at all.
Bill Dippel (01:06:47.741)
you
Sarah Collins (01:06:49.976)
Well...
Sarah Collins (01:06:59.671)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (01:07:03.37)
So what am I doing? Why am I doing this? Logging her books every day. Yeah. So I think that's my dumpster fire currently. Raining those in.
Sarah Collins (01:07:08.557)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (01:07:11.979)
Yeah, but the self-awareness on it, I think is so powerful because we, you know, I love your story about the books because I think you hear it a lot with sports where people are like, I pushed them to play softball because I played softball and I want to be good at it they didn't care. So I love like a different example from a different reign of life, but still the same thing, like pushing our own priorities. But I think it's that self-awareness that will save you. Right.
Bill Dippel (01:07:35.535)
Yeah, I thought the self-awareness was her firework moment. I thought she was tying them together right there where the firework was. I realized what I'm doing and the and man, why am I pushing this so hard? Because that I mean, that would be a legitimate firework moment where I realized what am I doing? She threw it on the floor. I picked it up. I'm going to frame it and put it in my eye. You know, I don't know. So or give us another firework moment, something where you think you really shined and sparkled using these.
Kelly Dries (01:07:46.286)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (01:07:54.242)
You
Bill Dippel (01:08:04.678)
using these themes.
Kelly Dries (01:08:06.998)
Another example of a firework moment. I mean, I think it's the, maybe the dynamic where my positivity can come in. Right, so I am not too strict with bedtime if we have something fun going on. Obviously case in point, I've talked about the movie night last night. But on a normal night, we have a pretty well set routine. And like when I give the five minute warning from Alexa, like we go in and like brush teeth, whatever, wash faces.
We read five books plus. I will never turn down a book. So sometimes we read more than five if they want to keep reading books. I actually really enjoy children's books. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I find the lessons in them to be quite, quite beautiful.
Sarah Collins (01:08:42.871)
Honestly bless your soul Wow
Bill Dippel (01:08:49.757)
Ha
Sarah Collins (01:08:52.483)
I agree, I like children's books too, but by the end of the night I'm like, girl, you're getting one book if you're lucky and don't make it a long one, because I'm tired. So the fact that you have the patience to do five, like that is extremely impressive.
Bill Dippel (01:08:59.399)
Yeah, I need to up my
Kelly Dries (01:09:00.726)
Hahaha!
Bill Dippel (01:09:06.855)
We need to up our children's book game. We need to up our children's book game here at the house because we have the same ones. And at some point I'm just like, I need to swap around. We need to get some new ones in here for the grandkids when they're over. yeah.
Kelly Dries (01:09:07.053)
And they'll call me on it too now. I gotta, gotta get to five.
Sarah Collins (01:09:17.003)
Yeah, variety. Anyway, sorry. Go ahead, Callie.
Kelly Dries (01:09:20.05)
Yeah. No, you're good. My son this week, one of the nights was like really not ready for bed yet. And he wanted to play pillow pirates where you like, you know, it's like a pillow fighting for a two year old. And he really wanted to do it. And inside I was like, I was looking at the clock. I knew I had my own to do list to get to that evening of a couple of things I needed to get done for a client. I wanted to be able to like read before I went to bed.
And so in my head, I'm like, no, like we don't have time for this. Let's go. Like, let's go. It's bedtime. It's time. It's time to lay down and at least read books, right? Cause I know that takes time. And I had to check myself. And I think my, my firework moment is that like, I let myself lean into my positivity for a minute and was like, all right, he's two. I am going to have a harder time if I fight this. Let's play for a minute. It's really what he's hungry for in this moment.
We played pillow pirates for a minute. And then I was like, all right, it's time now. And then boom, like laid down, we read books. They both fell asleep in the middle of one of them. And like, that was it. So I think, firework moment is when I can, when I feel myself getting tapped with one of my talents that I'm leaning into and leaning into a different one, I think is when I feel like I can really shine. that's a fresh example for me that feels like that, that was hard for me. But if I just took a second to breathe, I'm reading the,
Sarah Collins (01:10:35.392)
Okay.
Sarah Collins (01:10:42.445)
Yeah.
Kelly Dries (01:10:46.318)
The five second rule by Mel Robbins right now, and I think it was just like a, for five seconds, let me respond differently. And I did, and then it worked really well in that moment.
Sarah Collins (01:10:54.337)
Yeah.
Sarah Collins (01:10:57.911)
Yeah, that's really great. Excellent example. Absolutely.
Bill Dippel (01:10:58.163)
Great example. Yeah, I absolutely agree. Well, Dr. Drees, thank you very much for coming on our show today. We really appreciate having you and your insights, especially around parenting and how your husband feels when those Christmas cards arrive. I understand the toughness in that label.
But your insights and all of your thoughts around parenting and where your moments shine and sometimes where they might get in your way, really insightful today. So thank you for that.
Kelly Dries (01:11:29.772)
Yeah, thank you for having me. It was a fun exercise to reflect on how my strengths show up as a parent. And honestly, in this stage of parenting, will say, I can sometimes focus so much on how my strengths show up as a parent that I'm not focusing as much on how my strengths show up as a partner. And so I think that's something, a good reflection for me, right? And I think it's hard when you're raising little people to have as much time with your partner.
Sarah Collins (01:11:48.441)
Mm-mm.
Sarah Collins (01:11:55.907)
Mm-hmm.
Kelly Dries (01:11:59.372)
And so I'm in a season right now of trying to think about how I can better apply my strengths to my partnership and not just to my parenting. Yeah.
Sarah Collins (01:12:08.737)
Yeah. And that's a huge thing to take on because right now you're in little kid hell and in little kid hell, it's all hands on deck.
Kelly Dries (01:12:16.718)
Yes, it is indeed.
Sarah Collins (01:12:18.755)
And I love the idea, but I would just say I caution your shoulding your shoulding again. I know I know it's hard and we do need to prioritize partnership, but you're not wrong, but it's also be careful on your shoulding.
Kelly Dries (01:12:24.334)
I know, I'm shitting.
Kelly Dries (01:12:34.552)
Thank you. I need that.
Sarah Collins (01:12:35.543)
You're welcome.
Bill Dippel (01:12:35.699)
Shooting is hard, right? I hear it. So, all right. Well, Dr. Dries, thank you again. Our arsonists, thank you for tuning in, listening to the show. We love having you here. We love bringing wonderful guests like Dr. Dries on and sharing these sorts of insights. So with that, I think we can justifiably say we will talk soon.
Kelly Dries (01:12:39.566)
it is.
Sarah Collins (01:12:39.971)
Mm-hmm.
Sarah Collins (01:13:00.821)
Bye!
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